And I'm mad about it.
Although I guess that doesn't really help anything does it?
My whole life I've been mainly motivated by fear. Fear of disappointing others, fear of physical pain, fear of suffering, fear of being alone, fear of many other things.
Here, now, I'm afraid of writing these articles and I'm even more afraid of publishing them for others to read. I even considered for a brief moment writing under a pseudonym so I would feel more comfortable with the idea and take away a big friction element to achieving my goal of publishing something everyday for a year.
But that felt untrue. For me at least. Don't get me wrong, I think using a pseudonym can work extremely well and be the right choice for some. Not for me. I want to practice getting outside of my comfort zone, growing and building up my social sphere.
I'm also tired of being afraid and my actions being in response to fear.
There are a few reasons why I'm scared to write and publish it publicly. Some valid, some not so much:
- Being judged by others (especially people I respect)
- Failing at my goal (a post everyday) and having people see that
- Being cancelled because I have opinions that are different
- Having to write even when I don't want to
- Drawing attention to myself
My biggest fear out of those is probably being cancelled. I have some pretty abrasive opinions. That coupled with a lack of social awareness tends to offend others. I'm not good at BS'ing or pretending just to make people feel better.
I think it's important to put my opinions out there. The world could really benefit from differing points of view. I think our society is suffering from too much homogenizing. People have forgotten how to think for themselves.
But I've also seen what the mob can do to people. And it's terrifying.
Not just the mob, but I've recently seen the tech platforms with which we spread our thoughts (Twitter, FB, Instagram, etc) become even more brazen in their silencing of those they would rather not hear from.
If you have a huge following and some pull in the world, maybe you can get your account reinstated by making a big stink about it. But how many untold smaller accounts are simply squashed out of existence without any recourse?
I'm afraid of being one of those accounts.
So yeah, some of my fears are valid. But giving into those fears means one more notch in the belt of the powers that be.
It certainly doesn't mean a win for me. Or for you.